Why Rock of Love Charm School is the Smartest Show on Television, ever.
Vh1, the interminable
that girl of the television networks, never surprises me when she introduces a new brand of reality show that digs up the most unimaginable men and women this world has to offer. As an avid viewer of
Flava of Love Charm School, the second spinnoff of the
Flava of Love franchise, I think I truly failed to appreciate the genius of this kind of show. It wasn't until
Rock of Love Charm School, thankfully just the first spin off of the
Flava of Love spin off that is
Rock of Love, that the brilliance behind the Charm School idea shone down on me like the bright lights of a Brett Michaels concert. A concert that nobody is watching. Except me.
There are three main tenets of this show that make it unstoppable.
The first tenet is Sharon Osbourne.
Isn't she an angel? I love her. When Flava of Love Charm School aired I was dubious of Mo'Nique's ability to control these women. Mo'Nique is wonderful, don't get me wrong, but she is just so nice. She really believed in these girls who were just out there to trick her and these girls were like trained by the Chuck Norris of tricksters or something because they knew their shit and got away with murder (I'm talkin' bouchyou, Larissa).
What I love about Sharon though is that she has.no.fear. She tamed Ozzie, Kelly and Jack on TV and has openly picked fights by THROWING EGGS at the lead singer of Iron Maiden WHILE HE WAS ON STAGE AT OZZFEST. Her balls are so big they make
this guy have an inferiority complex. And from the start she makes it abundantly clear that she has a). done her homework ("I've watched you on Rock of Love, Megan, and you are a conniving, back-stabbing bitch") and b). sees right through these girls (like in episode 3 when she get so mad at Lacey's antics that she's practically shaking). This is a woman who has raised children. Difficult children. And since she's not a blood-relative to any of these Rock of Lovers I really feel for them. Sharon refuses to filter her thoughts and that makes not only for a great person, but great TV. I also think that the house should be stocked with eggs. Eggs everywhere. You know what, just make Sharon hold eggs at all times. Thanks.
That brings me to the second tenet. There's nobody I want to see egged more than Lacey. She's great. I want to lock Omarosa and Lacey up together and call it a social experiment. This woman is the perfect mix of determined and evil. All the girls hate her because she almost always wins challenges, and because she knows how to play the game. The only thing is when Lacey plays the game, bitches go home. Welcome to the Lacey Show, ladies. These girls play right into it, I play right into it. She does things like touch Dallas' butt, knowing full well that Dallas is going to turn around and throw her half-eaten apple at her head, giving Lacey the perfect opportunity to present said apple to Sharon at the elimination. LOVE HER. Her whole shtick is planned and when she sets her sights on a girl, that girl always, without fail, goes home. Looks like Sharon, though she may scold the obnoxiously over-tinted redhead with words of fire, is also playing into her game as Lacey survives another week, despite her team losing miserably. Lacey also manages to send home Rodeo (who she predicted she would be sending home the minute they were put on a team together) even though Rodeo is often described as one of the few women on the show "with a heart." Bless her. I'll say it again, "Welcome to the Lacey show." I can only hope that Sharon is waiting, eggs in hand, to break her down.
And lastly, the third tenet of Charm School isn't so much a tenet as it is just pure genius. Why this show will never be stopped is inherent in the way the game is played. the whole idea of the show is to reform the un-reformable. To take the worst, strangest, most studded, sagging, and air-headed group of girls and IMPROVE them is valiant, but what is great is that it creates a vehicle for keeping the worst of them around for the longest time. In most other reality TV competitions, the terrible person is kept around quite obviously for TV drama, or is sent home as soon as possible, depriving us of the treat of watching their worst-ness play out. But in this one, the whole point is to BE the worst and become the best! That way VH1 and the producers of the show and Sharon can justify keeping tramps like Lacey and Megan on the show. Get it!? Because they are the WORST they CAN'T be kicked off. It's like rewarding a Doberman for eating a baby kitten on the grounds that letting it stay in the house longer, with other kittens, will improve its quality of life in the future. UGH THIS SHOW IS SO UNSTOPPABLE. With this formula the show will slowly wheedle away the not-so-bad and boring contestants leaving us with the worst of the worst (Lacey, Megan, and Brandi C). That's great tv.
And that is the foolproof formula for being the smartest show on TV.
Next week: John and Kate plus 8
The Fall
I hadn't heard anything about
The Fall until a few months ago when a design blog featured its
trailer on their site. It had been released in a few theaters scattered across the country but none anywhere near where I was at the time. The trailer was intriguing, none-the-less, and I remembered enjoying Tarsem Singh's last directorial endeavor,
The Cell, if for nothing more than stunning, and creepy, imagery alone. Thankfully, he left J.Lo out of this one and since I'm a sucker for pretty movies and for scenes that
show without
telling (ie: the goldfish/shooting scene from
City of God) I sought it out.
The Fall takes place in
Charles Bukowski's Los Angeles -- where xenophobic Americans of the Great Depression got their kicks hate-criming immigrant farmers -- in a hospital where the two ends of the city's social spectrum meet. Alexandria, a 5 or 6 year-old Romanian orange farmer is nursing a broken arm, the English language, and the memories of the tragic rape of her father's grove. Roy, a silver screen stunt man, has lost feeling in his legs, and his girlfriend, due to an ill-planned movie stunt. The two meet amidst an array of hospital characters that weave themselves into
the other story being told at the same time, which appears to be Tarsem's favorite part of the movie.
The other story being told is a romantic tale of 5 (or 6?) warriors united in their vengeance for a General Odious. The 5 (or 6?) characters in the nightmarish fantasy are an ex-slave, an Indian (a humorous play on words and ethnic diversity in the U.S.), an Italian explosives expert, a Spanish (or French?) bandit, a mystic (who appears when it's convenient for him to portray something dark and dramatic despite the fact that he's already been written out of the story), and Charles Darwin, lover of animals, in a pretty fantastic coat. Roy and Alexandria use each other, one for drugs and one for escapism, through Roy's bandit tale.
Tarsem (he likes it when you leave out his last name, which reminds me of
Tarkan, the Turkish pop star) makes his dollars doing
this (
this and
this) and had to film
The Fall in between commercials. The list of filming locations for the movie is nothing short of spectacular (India, Indonesia, Argentina, Brazil, Cambodia, South Africa, Prague, Chile, China, Egypt, Fiji, Nepal, Maldives, Namibia, France, Romania, and Turkey) and creates a jigsaw puzzle of a world that is everything and nothing like our own. Unfortunately for Tarsem, even the most skilled of film editors can't erase the smog from the scenes in Udaipur's floating palace. The rest of the film has no trouble marketing epic scenes of a pre-globalized world to the audience as majestic horses (Tarsem's favorite animal?) gallop down mountains of orange sand and as an evil priest's face melts into snowy mountaintop.
The movie is great about not taking itself so seriously by giving leeway to Alexandria's (Catinca Untaru) fumbling language skills and by frequently changing the themes and plots of
the other story. Some parts are laughable and it's nice to see the characters laughing along with you. Though some scenes do play like they were only meant to be grand ideas that get lost in the length of an actual scene, the movie as a whole presents some of the most stunning visuals I've seen since, well,
The Cell. Unlike other visionary directors who just can't seem to make their plots hold up to their images, Tarsem uses the humor of
The Fall to make his extravagant scenes that much more unbelievable. My favorite parts though, are Alexandria's nightmare and the warrior's escape from the island.
Also, this
behind-the-scenes footage (around the 1 minute mark) of Tarsem screaming "ONCE AGAIN!" and clawing his face in frustration as the actors struggle to create a drowning scene is both frightening and telling. It's clear that this was a painstaking story to tell and the director's love affair with beautiful cinema comes through. He wasn't making this movie for Levi's or Sprite, for once he wasn't creating anything for anyone but himself.
For clips of the movie go
here ... the New York Times, by the way, had nothing nice to say about this movie (SURPRISE!) calling it "strictly bargain bin" but if you can't turn off the snob switch for 117 minutes and just watch a pretty movie then you won't like this one.
and
here
Amanda Bynes: What the Hair?
Dear Amanda Bynes,
I love you. I think you're cute and funny and I thoroughly enjoyed
She's the Man but, girlfriend, we need to talk about the hair.
What hair?
This hair:
Three different movies, three different characters, one hair style. You have a gorgeous face, friend, so why do you or whatever hairstylist you hire for these kinds of things insist on throwing those stray hairs along the side of your face? It is so unflattering! Also, I remember wearing that hair to bar mitzvahs in the 7th grade thinking I was the hot shit because I looked like Mandy Moore with my hair did like that. Afterwards, when all the buttons were printed and the novelty pictures developed at the end of the night I realized, to my horror, that framing your face with those stringy things is sad and embarrassing. Your hair makes me :*(
So, Amanda, as your friend and as someone who is always right about everything, I would say either fire that hairdresser (that's right, I said DRESSER!) or look at yourself in a mirror and learn to love yourself in a ponytail. This haircut won't get you past the Kid's Choice Awards, AB, and you are 22 now. Say goodbye to Nickelodeon and movies that try to play Channing Tatum (Tatum Channing?) off as a high schooler, pull your hair back, and let's shoot for a Golden Globe or something.
xoxo
A concerned, hair sensitive fan.
