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Why Rock of Love Charm School is the Smartest Show on Television, ever.

Vh1, the interminable that girl of the television networks, never surprises me when she introduces a new brand of reality show that digs up the most unimaginable men and women this world has to offer. As an avid viewer of Flava of Love Charm School, the second spinnoff of the Flava of Love franchise, I think I truly failed to appreciate the genius of this kind of show. It wasn't until Rock of Love Charm School, thankfully just the first spin off of the Flava of Love spin off that is Rock of Love, that the brilliance behind the Charm School idea shone down on me like the bright lights of a Brett Michaels concert. A concert that nobody is watching. Except me.

There are three main tenets of this show that make it unstoppable.
The first tenet is Sharon Osbourne.

Isn't she an angel? I love her. When Flava of Love Charm School aired I was dubious of Mo'Nique's ability to control these women. Mo'Nique is wonderful, don't get me wrong, but she is just so nice. She really believed in these girls who were just out there to trick her and these girls were like trained by the Chuck Norris of tricksters or something because they knew their shit and got away with murder (I'm talkin' bouchyou, Larissa).
What I love about Sharon though is that she has.no.fear. She tamed Ozzie, Kelly and Jack on TV and has openly picked fights by THROWING EGGS at the lead singer of Iron Maiden WHILE HE WAS ON STAGE AT OZZFEST. Her balls are so big they make this guy have an inferiority complex. And from the start she makes it abundantly clear that she has a). done her homework ("I've watched you on Rock of Love, Megan, and you are a conniving, back-stabbing bitch") and b). sees right through these girls (like in episode 3 when she get so mad at Lacey's antics that she's practically shaking). This is a woman who has raised children. Difficult children. And since she's not a blood-relative to any of these Rock of Lovers I really feel for them. Sharon refuses to filter her thoughts and that makes not only for a great person, but great TV. I also think that the house should be stocked with eggs. Eggs everywhere. You know what, just make Sharon hold eggs at all times. Thanks.

That brings me to the second tenet. There's nobody I want to see egged more than Lacey. She's great. I want to lock Omarosa and Lacey up together and call it a social experiment. This woman is the perfect mix of determined and evil. All the girls hate her because she almost always wins challenges, and because she knows how to play the game. The only thing is when Lacey plays the game, bitches go home. Welcome to the Lacey Show, ladies. These girls play right into it, I play right into it. She does things like touch Dallas' butt, knowing full well that Dallas is going to turn around and throw her half-eaten apple at her head, giving Lacey the perfect opportunity to present said apple to Sharon at the elimination. LOVE HER. Her whole shtick is planned and when she sets her sights on a girl, that girl always, without fail, goes home. Looks like Sharon, though she may scold the obnoxiously over-tinted redhead with words of fire, is also playing into her game as Lacey survives another week, despite her team losing miserably. Lacey also manages to send home Rodeo (who she predicted she would be sending home the minute they were put on a team together) even though Rodeo is often described as one of the few women on the show "with a heart." Bless her. I'll say it again, "Welcome to the Lacey show." I can only hope that Sharon is waiting, eggs in hand, to break her down.

And lastly, the third tenet of Charm School isn't so much a tenet as it is just pure genius. Why this show will never be stopped is inherent in the way the game is played. the whole idea of the show is to reform the un-reformable. To take the worst, strangest, most studded, sagging, and air-headed group of girls and IMPROVE them is valiant, but what is great is that it creates a vehicle for keeping the worst of them around for the longest time. In most other reality TV competitions, the terrible person is kept around quite obviously for TV drama, or is sent home as soon as possible, depriving us of the treat of watching their worst-ness play out. But in this one, the whole point is to BE the worst and become the best! That way VH1 and the producers of the show and Sharon can justify keeping tramps like Lacey and Megan on the show. Get it!? Because they are the WORST they CAN'T be kicked off. It's like rewarding a Doberman for eating a baby kitten on the grounds that letting it stay in the house longer, with other kittens, will improve its quality of life in the future. UGH THIS SHOW IS SO UNSTOPPABLE. With this formula the show will slowly wheedle away the not-so-bad and boring contestants leaving us with the worst of the worst (Lacey, Megan, and Brandi C). That's great tv.

And that is the foolproof formula for being the smartest show on TV.

Next week: John and Kate plus 8

posted by Bagel @ 9:01 AM